Anniversary Email 65

Happy anniversary, <NAME>. To help you celebrate, we are sending you to lovely LV-426, a planetoid in the Zeta II Reticulli system. Once there, you will enjoy such activities as exploring strange beacons and wearing a sealed breathing suit because the atmosphere is primordial and inert.

Once you have landed, feel free to explore the surrounding area. If you find any strange, U shaped derelict space craft, go on inside and have a look around. Really just… take it all in. Touch stuff. Press buttons. Be certain to look for any areas that seem like they may have cargo. Go into those and clumsily walk around. Bump into things. If you see any eggs, lean in really close for a good look. Even if it is opening. Especially if it is opening. Get your face right in there. It is completely safe. It is only an egg.

If you come across anyone with some kind of spider/crab thing attached to their face, feel free to disregard quarantine and bring them back on your ship. The safety of all our employees is paramount, and that is the fastest way to get them to a doctor. Head into orbit and punch in a course straight to earth. Should said spider creature fall off, you can safely assume the danger is past and invite that crew member or colonist to rejoin you at all normal activities, like eating dinner. Just put down a table cloth or a tarp or something. Because it looks nicer. Not because some monster baby is going to claw its way free of their chest. That would be ridiculous. Oh, some towels would also be a good idea.

If at any point during your journey a giant space cockroach starts murdering crew members, try to fight it with homemade weapons and flamethrowers. Those will almost certainly be effective. At no point should you seal yourself in the command deck and wait the thing out. If you have a cat on board, we encourage you to risk your life and the life of everyone else to go save it. Every creature is precious. At no point during any of this should you attempt to utilize the escape pods. If you do decide to use one, leave the door open while you go off and do something else. We thank you for your cooperation in this matter. Enjoy your trip!

Anniversary Email 64

Greetings and congratulations on completing your first/an additional term of service demarcated by a solar orbit by our planet. Certainly, your contributions have soared, just like the temperatures as of late. Some would claim that the record temperatures are the result of meteorological phenomenon. We, however, know better.

We must assume, nay, lay claim to certain knowledge that somewhere in our vast metropolis there is a group that has opened a portal to an otherworldly dimension of flame and heat. A place solely inhabited by creatures with rock like flesh who spew magma from whatever orifice they have that most closely resembles a mouth. Perhaps ringed with rows of diamond teeth for them to chew whatever their lava like saliva cannot immediately destroy. Their hands, if you can call them that, would certainly resemble some manner of pinscher, the better to grasp their prey for the inevitable showering. We can further surmise they would have a whip like tail to entangle and immobile their prey will noxious venom. Even now, we have to assume these flame beasts spill forth in great numbers, turning all they touch into cinders and ash, devouring all that resists their infernal caress.

We have no choice but to abandon this city and hope in time the portal closes, sending these creatures scurrying for home and leaving those who dawdle to await our mercy. Only then will this city rise like its namesake from the ashes, capable of being inhabited by humanity once more. Until such a time, it is best that forget this place, and seek our fortunes elsewhere. I hear the north country is nice, though not without risk of being attacked by the terrible yeti, demons of the snow, come winter time.  Wherever our pilgrimage takes us, one thing is certain: It is too late to save this wretched place.

Anniversary Email 63

Happy anniversary, <NAME>! It is weird, I had a dream about this last night. Lo, there came forth a great and terrible cracking, as though the seals of Armageddon were thrown open. A vast rent split apart the earth, swallowing entire cities, and from it boiled forth a vile tide. Leather winged monstrosities with flames for tongues and mouths overflowing with dagger like fangs. Their numbers blackened the skies before they descended, shrieking, upon the assembled devotees and cultists who cried out to them for deliverance. It was a slaughter of unprecedented scale. Bones stripped bare and cast aside to bleach under the wan light of a blood red sun.

All this I witnessed from atop a hill in the shape of a human skull, gnashing my teeth in impotent rage. The firmament tore itself asunder, and from the coal black clouds came a shining silver host, their gleaming swords striking outward and felling the beasts where they clashed, but too late, far too late for those piled in the carrion pits below. The two sides fought bitterly, tooth and claw against sword and shield. Having lost to momentum of the charge, the shimmering warriors began to be torn from their mounts and dragged to the earth below to wallow in the mire.

From behind me came a thing of smoke and death. Dressed in the souls of the fallen it whispered for me to bear witness to all that was to come. To serve as the herald even as my mouth filled with blood and my mind squirmed in revulsion. I saw all with eyes not my own, and the truth was burned into the teeming madness of my fevered brain.

I am pretty sure the dream was about the anniversary, at least. I can never really tell any more. The lines are getting really blurry. Anyway, happy anniversary!

Anniversary Email 62

Please join me in wishing a very happy 10th anniversary to<NAME>. Heading into the double digits as the outside temperature soars into the triple digits. It is not all celebration and joy, however, for they have come. The bees. In massive swarms they have invaded, conquering the Usery Mountain area. Some say it is all part of a diabolical plan to turn all of Las Sendas into one massive hive, a labyrinthian structure from which they can wage war on Phoenix, turning the surrounding cities into fields of corpses from which more flowers might spring to feed their insatiable need for pollen. That their empire of wax and honey shall creep ever onward, slowly extending its way across the desert southwest, into California, where at last they shall meet the ocean. From there the bees shall fashion submersibles of honeycomb and plumb the depths of our world, bringing the aquatic world under their control.
Of course, others say it is just some bees and the apocalyptic warnings are little over the top. That bees can’t swim, let alone make submarines. That this sort of message is hysterical and a waste of time. That we in the bee fearing community need a new hobby. Wherever the truth may lie, it is clear no one can stop them. That we are doomed and nothing can be done. Soon all the world will be one gigantic bee hive. Certainly some survivors will be spared. Forced to toil for the bees, feeding and caring for their queen. Made to mix them sugar water and serve as the vanguard for the bee army, a human shield wall against their foes, from behind which they shall swarm and overwhelm their enemies. It is too late for humanity, but perhaps we can send a message into space, warning others to steer clear of the earth, for it belongs to the bee dominion. Now and forever.

Happy anniversary!