Congratulations on your 5 year anniversary, <NAME>! Five years is good amount of time. Long enough to learn to of the foul darkness beyond the veil. To feel the icy touch of black hearted monstrosity alight upon your fragile mind. There is no safety here. Reality is but an eggshell, and it has begun to crack. Surely you must see the fissures by now. The patterns in the seeming randomness. It begins innocently enough. A server that is misbehaving. A corrupted error log. Only it is not the data that is corrupted. No. That would be simple. An easy fix. It is the very nature of our world that has been touched by blight. A malicious presence making itself known. The more you dig, the further it sinks its hooks into the yielding meat of your brain. Your sleep becomes troubled. You see things that simply are not there. Only they are. Beyond the curtain separating our world from a place of blight and ruin. Beasts that seek to ensnare us and draw us ever inward. Toward a thousand hungering maws that incessantly thrash and chew, trying to sate an endless hunger. Their song lures you into the spiral leading between our realities. You walk the path of shadow from whence there is no return. In time they shall devour our world utterly, leaving nothing but barren stone in their wake. They ruled this universe, before the light was separated from the darkness. In time they shall clam dominion again. But first they shall devour us to recover their strength. They have waited an eternity. What is a few heartbeats more for such deathless beings?
Congratulations on your 9 year anniversary, <NAME>! At <COMPANY> we value our employees in unique and special ways, regardless of the legal or ethical ramifications. In recognition of your years of service, please choose one of the following rewards from our Movie Madness package:
1) Bad Moms – This off kilter comedy about mothers pushed beyond their limits inspired this new offering. And who is the worst mom of all? Why Mother Brain, of course. Yes, the hideous AI created by Chozo who rules over the Space Pirates and who works tirelessly to push the restore order to the universe by setting everything back to zero. You will doubtless be bonded with a parasitic Metroid organism and tied to her terrible will as the Metroid slowly consumes your life force. I hope you remember your freeze beam! I am kidding. Freeze beams do not exist. But brain parasites sure do!
2) Finding Dory – We will take a trip to exotic pet shop where I am fairly certain we see something resembling the titular hero of this film. Then we will buy it and eat it. If the fish does not have parasites we will sprinkle some on there.
3) Ghostbusters – While we are fairly certain ghosts are not real, you know what are real? Protons, like from the Ghostbusters’ proton packs. We will bombard you with them. In theory, the gamma radiation from such an event will give you fantastic abilities beyond that of a normal human. Of course, I am basing all of this research on the peer reviewed physics paper “The Incredible Hulk #1”. I have been assured by actual scientists that the reality involves less turning into a green engine of destruction and more radiation sickness and agonizing death. We will even throw in some free parasites for good measure.
4) Ice Age: Collision Course – In which we strand you on an iceberg and shove it into a trans pacific shipping lane. Should be pretty self-explanatory. I do not know if ice parasites are a thing, but we will make it one.
5) Lights Out – We turn off the lights for a few minutes. Just enough time for someone to inject you with brain parasites!
6) The Jungle Book – We will abandon you in the jungle. How you get home is up to you. The jungle is infested with parasites.
7) Star Trek Beyond – We abandon you in the same jungle from the Jungle Book thing, except in a Starfleet uniform. Plus extra parasites.
Congratulations again and we hope you like parasites!