Anniversary Email 45

Happy anniversary, <NAME>! As you may well be aware, <COMPANY> is involved in a variety of ventures. Some are less conventional than others. As a domain name registrar and hosting provider, we have access to vast stores of information. A near complete examination of the human psyche.

We first began feeding this information into a project codenamed Ragnorak some years back. Our hope was to dynamically grow an artificial intelligence to predict upcoming internet trends, giving us foreknowledge of upcoming events and an advantage over other companies. Unfortunately, email traffic is something like 80% spam, and Netflix is something like 37% of all web traffic.

Consequently, what we now have is a system that is very good at quoting movies interspersed with offers to refinance your mortgage and sell you cheap prescription drugs, with the occasional forward from grandma and random Wikipedia article thrown in for good measure.

What is missing, our data scientists tell us, is the human element. A fleshy mind wired into the mass of cables and chips and vacuum tubes. Yes, we are using vacuum tubes. No, I don’t know why.

With your eleven years of experience, you are a perfect candidate for this task. You understand how the internet works. How to separate the wheat from the proverbial chaff. Speaking of which, this will require freeing your brain meat from the bone prison you call a skull. “But wait,” you might say, “what will happen to my body?” Have no worries, we will render that down into a nutrient rich slurry which we will use to keep your mind fed and alive throughout the process. You will no longer be needing it once we are finished.

We are not completely certain where this will all lead us, of course. It is entirely possible this will drive you irrevocably mad, only able to speak in memes, but that is a risk we are going to have to take in the name of progress. Our surgeons will be along shortly to collect you for processing.

Anniversary Email 44

Congratulations, <NAME>. I echo <OTHER NAME>’s sentiments of W00T W00T. W00T W00T, the warcry of the ancients that once inhabited this planet. Even now their spirits remain, trapped in the forgotten caves where they sought refuge from the scourge than burned their corporeal forms to cinders, leaving them only as echoes. Their time spent in lightless isolation drove them quite mad, and from those who wronged them they learned well the lessons of rage and hatred.

These ghastly shades seek to once more return to the lands of the living, where they will make use of the abhorrent knowledge they have accumulated over their long years spent trapped in the dark. With their atrocious command of technomancy they will turn our own mechanical creations against us, ushering in a new era of torment and pain.

As you can well imagine, having such fiends as allies would do wonders for our stock price. Would any analyst not give us a buy rating when a skull faced reaper droid stalks them mercilessly, ready to strip the flesh from his bones and wear it as a gruesome mask as it hunts down any who dare stand against this new order? I think not. The sky will be the limit, even as our own existence becomes a harrowing descent into the depths of suffering and depravity commanded by these fiends.

The first step is, of course, to find suitable vessels for their malign intelligences. Shells which can be corrupted by their dark arts, sending the current occupant to take the place of the new inhabitant in the foul halls of dread. There to languish and suffer as they have for millennia, never again knowing sanity or peace.

Please come see me in one of the huddle rooms for completely unrelated reasons. Thank you.