Anniversary Email 65

Happy anniversary, <NAME>. To help you celebrate, we are sending you to lovely LV-426, a planetoid in the Zeta II Reticulli system. Once there, you will enjoy such activities as exploring strange beacons and wearing a sealed breathing suit because the atmosphere is primordial and inert.

Once you have landed, feel free to explore the surrounding area. If you find any strange, U shaped derelict space craft, go on inside and have a look around. Really just… take it all in. Touch stuff. Press buttons. Be certain to look for any areas that seem like they may have cargo. Go into those and clumsily walk around. Bump into things. If you see any eggs, lean in really close for a good look. Even if it is opening. Especially if it is opening. Get your face right in there. It is completely safe. It is only an egg.

If you come across anyone with some kind of spider/crab thing attached to their face, feel free to disregard quarantine and bring them back on your ship. The safety of all our employees is paramount, and that is the fastest way to get them to a doctor. Head into orbit and punch in a course straight to earth. Should said spider creature fall off, you can safely assume the danger is past and invite that crew member or colonist to rejoin you at all normal activities, like eating dinner. Just put down a table cloth or a tarp or something. Because it looks nicer. Not because some monster baby is going to claw its way free of their chest. That would be ridiculous. Oh, some towels would also be a good idea.

If at any point during your journey a giant space cockroach starts murdering crew members, try to fight it with homemade weapons and flamethrowers. Those will almost certainly be effective. At no point should you seal yourself in the command deck and wait the thing out. If you have a cat on board, we encourage you to risk your life and the life of everyone else to go save it. Every creature is precious. At no point during any of this should you attempt to utilize the escape pods. If you do decide to use one, leave the door open while you go off and do something else. We thank you for your cooperation in this matter. Enjoy your trip!