Category: Work

Please join me in wishing a happy 4 year anniversary to <NAME>. <NAME>, aka AZ Gainz, keeps our endpoints processing and our <SOFTWARE> installations up to date and secure. He also keeps the team pumping out pushups. By this time next year we will all be huge, monstrous Bro-grammers that crush out code and rip phone books in half.

I found myself in an decrepit library in the ruins of ancient Babylon. Suddenly, I was surrounded by a strange grey mist. I awoke in a cavernous stone room, the walls adorned with intricate bas relief carvings. A booming voice cut through the gloom.

“Supplicant! You stand in the halls of the League of Assassins! An ancient and powerful order! We have need of you…”

“Certainly,” I stammered, not wanting to perturb an assassin, let alone an entire league of them. Honestly, I do not know how many people constitute a league, but I assume it a lot. Probably more than 10? At any rate…

“Silence your incessant internal monologue!” the voice demanded, sending dust raining down from the decaying stonework. “Bring us the one known as <NAME>. We have need of him.”

“You mean AZ Gainz? Of course, oh great and terrible league of assassins,” I said, bowing. “What do you require of him?”

“The time of prophecy is once more upon us,” the voice intoned. “He must undergo the dread ritual and become… THE NETHER BEAST.”

My interested piqued, I inquired, “If I may be so bold, what, pray tell, is the nether beast?” Cyptozoology is an interest of mine. More of a fascination. At times I find myself…

“What did I say about the monologue? BEHOLD!” it boomed, illuminating a portion of the carved stonework. “The nether beast!”

“Uh… That is just a carving of a guy holding a broom. And his shirt says custodian…”

“It is the nether beast! And we have need of him! Certainly you have seen how dust keeps falling every time I speak? This ancient temple must have the nether beast stalk its halls once more! Seriously, it is just gross. I was eating my assassin fuel this morning and there was, like, a ton of dust in it.”

“And assassin fuel would be?” I questioned.

“Honey nut cheerios,” the voiced offered pleasantly.

“Yeah…” I said, uncertainly, “I mean, look, I’ll tell him, but I don’t think he will come. Your league is not particularly fearsome…”

“Silence!” the voice demanded, “He will come and he will become the nether beast and everything will be great again. It is written in prophecy.”

“I get the feeling your prophecy is written on a cocktail napkin,” I offered, growing more defiant by the second.

“It is not!” The voice had taken on a defensive tone. “It is a Starbucks napkin,” it mumbled.

“Right…”

“Be gone from this place, supplicant! And remember your task!” I was once more surrounded by mist. I awoke in the library, and in front of me was a bowl of dusty honey nut cheerios.

Happy Anniversary!

Please join me in wishing a happy 6 year anniversary to <NAME>! <NAME> is an integral part of the team, keeping watch over our provisioning flows and making sure our customers are setup quickly, reliably, and securely. Without his tireless efforts, account setup and modifications would be a process fraught with peril.

Of course, nothing can compare with the peril manifested by the grim legions of the ancient Kyardoon, skull faced master of the blood harvest. His minions are countless, the dull grey of their soul spears glinting faintly in the wan light cast by the brimstone fires of his realm, a realm of torture and madness. They stand arrayed in perfect formation, awaiting  word from their deathless master, who shall lift his head and whisper the words that shall unleash Armageddon on our world. On that day he shall ride forth from the underworld on a horse of smoke and flame, his legions close behind, to turn our works to ruin. His blood riders will cackle as they ride down those who attempt to flee, their spears slick with the blood of the fallen. The dead shall be bound into eternal service in his army. The living shall be left with nothing but tears and hot ashes, their hopes swept away in a tide of murder and chaos, their last recourse to envy the dead. Finally, at last satisfied with the toll enacted on humanity, Kyardoon shall return to his throne, lower his lidless eyes, and dream of dark days ahead as the funeral pyres flame out and ten thousand years of suffering descend on the last tattered remains of the human race.

Happy anniversary!

Please join me in wishing a happy 7 year anniversary to <NAME> of the <ORGANIZATION>. Our work wouldn’t be possible without his dedication and expertise. 7 is an auspicious number. The 7 wonders of the world. 7 Samurai. Seagram’s 7 and 7. Of course, none can compare with the 7 Trials of the dread beast Boggrim, she who devours. Given your anniversary, you have been selected to face her contests in a bid to bestow her foul blessings upon us.

The first challenge is The Desert that Thirsts. You will be consumed in her thousand fanged threshing maw, your flesh shredded and your bones ground to dust in the dark and terrible pit that is the creature’s vast and vile mouth. There you will languish and suffer for what seems like a year, but in reality is only eleven and a half months.

The Second Challenge is the Striking Serpent. You will be tossed back into the maw for more grinding and chewing.

Third is the Test of Fire. Basically a continuation of the first two.

Fourth comes the Freezing Rains. We dump some fire ants into the mouth with you. Honestly, this makes more sense if it were the test of fire, but I don’t really recommend trying to give feedback to a rapacious monster that is little more than a fanged tube leading to a seemingly bottomless stomach. The last guy who did that ended up learning about the eighth trail, which… the less said about that, the better. Just… Gah. It was awful.

Fifth and Sixth are… look, they have names, but are just more time in the fangs with the ants and acidic saliva and the chewing and the breaking of bones. I’m not really convinced Boggrim has the ability to do much of anything else. She is called the devourer for a reason.

Seventh comes The Ordeal of the Thrashing Thousand Fanged Maw. That is where you have to go back to high school and take a test in your underwear. I don’t get it either. Just roll with it. Honestly, at that point it won’t even seem that bad.

Finally, having survived the tests, you will be granted a request of Boggrim. You may ask for whatever you want. Now, I cannot guarantee the thing will understand or even care about your request. She may just toss you back into the maw, but there is a chance it could work out, and we feel it is worth it. Congratulations again!

Congratulations on your recent anniversary, <NAME>. As you know, here at <COMPANY> we are leaders in employee recognition and rewards. In honor of your anniversary, you have been selected for a trip to the Planet of Torment. Don’t worry, it is something of a misnomer. It is actually a moon orbiting a corrosive gas giant. In the pain zone, you will learn a new and horrible meaning of suffering, as the gravitational forces at work on the moon twist and pull your body, while the native population of stinging cybernetic insects infest your flesh. Don’t worry, it is all for a dark and inscrutable purpose set forth by the Ancient Ones, who inscribed this in prophecy a million years past. Of course, they were wiped out in a great purge when the queen of the stinging insects arose from her basalt tomb and screamed for the blood of the uncorrupted, but we heed their ancient wisdom to this day. I suspect all of this will end just fine, and in no way will you be used as a vessel for the terrible queen to rise once more and wage war on the galaxy. Further, I have absolutely no reason to believe that once this comes to pass she will seek me out to become her consort, allowing us to ply the stars together and purge the universe of life, her cold and chitinous grasping limb wrapped by my warm, fleshy hand as a thousand worlds in flame reflect in her compound eyes.

Happy six year anniversary, <NAME>! Summer is a time of unimaginable, oppressive heat in <CITY>, the place we call home. However, it will seem almost like an oasis compared to the prison the ancient Vyraxons have prepared for humanity within the heart of a dying star in the crab nebula. Using specialized reaping guns, these terrible monsters will agonizingly strip flesh from our bones so that our raw nerves can be wired into void phase suits, designed to allow us to withstand the crushing gravity of the blazing inferno that we will be forced to call our home. Once there, pitiless overseers with thrash us with pain tendrils that drip with venomous ooze as we mine dense elements from the burning core of the celestial body. The six years you have spent at <COMPANY> will seem but a passing of an instant compared to the seeming eternity we will ceaselessly toil within those wretched tunnels. On completion of our labor, we will be left within the orb, trapped, as it collapses into a singularity. Once this dire event comes to pass, we will be impossibly stretched as we are dragged screaming into the black hole, where we will become one with its infinite density. The Vyraxons call this the descent into the zone of torment. Given all that will have come before, you should have some idea of what those words portend.

All that will be left of humanity will be old I Love Lucy episodes, slowly crawling their way through the infinite vacuum between the stars. Remember that time she worked with Ethel in the chocolate factory, and she couldn’t keep up, so she started eating them? May that memory provide you comfort as you are dragged screaming into the abyss. Perhaps you will bellow a well-timed “Ricky!” as your essence passes the event horizon, before being sucked into the voracious pit within space time.

Please wish <NAME> a happy 9 year anniversary here at <COMPANY>. <NAME> is a key player on the <PRODUCT> team, keeping the environment secure, speedy, and stable. He recently took on a development role and I expect even greater things from him before he celebrates his 10 year anniversary. Happy anniversary, <NAME>!

As always, you are now eligible for the mandatory <COMPANY> Employee Enhancement Experience. Since you are a fan of Marvel comics, we offer you the following themed options.

Captain America: Three times a week every week we will inject you with our patented Super Soldier Anabolic Serum. You’ll be packing on muscle mass like Cap, and suffering from random bouts of inexplicable rage, like Hulk. This is a two for one, really. We will also give you a shield, or at least a round piece of metal, and spray your skin with green food coloring.

We source our Serum from whales. Why whales? Because of the transitive theory of bigness. Whales are big, so whale testosterone will make you big. It is basic science. Or at least science-y.

Hawkeye: We replace your eyes with eyes from a hawk. “But wait,” I hear you say, “aren’t a hawk’s eyes much smaller than my own?” Yes. Yes they are. They will be rolling around your sockets and flopping out all over the place. A small price to pay for increased visual acuity. You know, when they are both pointed in the same direction. Like maybe if you look directly at the ground. That would work. You will be able to see that ground in amazing detail.

Thor: We will give you a hammer that will electrocute you on five minute intervals. Since we can’t prevent someone else from picking it up and wielding the power of Thor, we will fuse said hammer directly with your hand. Go smite villainy!

Iron Man: Remember that Leonardo DiCaprio move, The Man in the Iron Mask? Imagine that, except for your whole body. Once we weld you in, it is almost impossible to get you out. At least in one piece. Man, that movie was terrible.

Black Widow: We fit you with a specially designed cat suit with venomous black widow spiders stitched directly into the lining. But hey, free cat suit.

Wolverine: We will fuse knives directly into the bones of your hand. They aren’t retractable, so this is actually pretty similar to our Edward Scissorhands offering. “Will I also get Wolverine’s advanced healing factor since I’m going to have super sharp knives attached to my hands? Seems like I will need it.”

That is adorable.

No.

Spider-Man: We will dunk you in a box full of radioactive spiders and see what happens. There is a possibility you might get super powers, or, you know, more likely radiation sickness. As an added bonus, we will kill your favorite uncle.

Please make your selection so we can schedule your appointment and move this process along. <COMPANY> Avengers Arrange Yourselves in Close Physical Proximity! (We don’t want to get sued.)

Happy 12 year anniversary, <NAME>! At <COMPANY>, we pride ourselves on exceptional customer service. As a public company, we pride ourselves on being able to deliver value to our shareholders.

The tarantula hawk is a nightmarish spider wasp that hunts tarantula as food for its unborn young. It stalks, stings, and paralyzes the arachnid, at which point it drags the helpless victim back to a specially prepared lair, where an egg is laid and the spider is sealed in, Cask of Amontillado style. I will spare you the more gruesome details, but suffice to say, it ends with another Tarantula Hawk being birthed to continue the cycle.

At <COMPANY>, we have engineered what we are calling Developer Hawks. Gigantic, terrifying wasps with twelve foot wingspans that exist to hunt down developers for our recruitment efforts. On being successfully stalked and stung, a developer will be dragged to specially prepared desk, where they will be ready to work for <COMPANY> and help us achieve our corporate goals.

Of course, we need to test their function, so if you would be kind enough to provide us with a schedule of where you expect to be over the next several days, it would be very helpful. We’ve run five tests so far, but as of yet they have failed to deliver a single developer as expected. We do, strangely, have five new Developer Hawks in our swarm, but I am certain that is an unrelated, happy coincidence.

Happy five year anniversary, <NAME>! As you know, <COMPANY> is focused on international growth. Overseas markets represent a huge untapped customer base for us. However, we are also a public company, and that means being mindful of how we are spending our investors’ dollars so we get the most bang for our buck and keep the stock price moving upward. To that end, I am pleased to announce <COMPANY> has closed the deal on a new European Datacenter. Introducing <COMPANY> Pripyat!

Located in scenic northern Ukraine, we have our pick of old block office buildings from which to stage our operations.  Given your tenure and track record of making “<COMPANY> Go!” you have been selected as one of our first employees at this exciting new facility! Our campus at <COMPANY> Pripyat (or <ACRONYM> as we are affectionately calling it) boasts plenty of living space, schools, a hospital, and even an amusement park!  Now it is true there is some work to be done, but at <COMPANY> we are not afraid to roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty. Seriously, though, don’t get any of the dirt on your hands. Or your face. Any skin contact at all should be avoided, really. I cannot stress that enough. I would also not actually roll up your sleeves. It is for the best because you are going to be required to wear a protective suit at all times. Otherwise, well, I hope you didn’t like having skin.

There are, of course, rumors of a hideous tribe of mutant cannibals that inhabit the radioactive ruins and worship the old nuclear reactor as the home of a vengeful, glowing green god. These rumors are all true. We at <COMPANY> feel these once men are an under-served market that could benefit from a web presence to sell their crafts online. Everything from bone earrings to bone necklaces to complete human skeletons. Essentially they sell things that are byproducts of the rampant cannibalism, but in time we could see them becoming a thriving small business and a real success story we could put on our home page… If we can get them to stop eating all the photographers we send out to get promo shots.

Some might view these as challenges, but we prefer to think of them as opportunities. An opportunity you are now a part of! Welcome aboard!

 

Please join me in wishing <NAME>a very happy 12 year anniversary at <COMPANY>! <NAME> has been instrumental in building our wildly successful <REDACTED> platform. What we do would not be possible without his expertise and tireless dedication. Whether it is configuring Varnish or applying the golden hammer of HaProxy, he executes with passion and steely determination.

Imagine how much more excellent he will perform now that he is eligible for our latest incentive program! It has long been noted that pain processing is much faster than tactile processing in humans. Pain elicits reactions of increased heartrate and a surge of adrenaline to the bloodstream, leaving you alert and primed to handle whatever problem is manifest. To that end, we have designed a new server monitoring system: A sub dermal implant that, upon receiving an alert, injects scorpion venom directly into your spinal column. Yes, no more groggy, bleary eyed fumbling for the phone at night when the NOC calls. You will be wide awake, writhing in agony, willing to do anything to make the pain stop. And it won’t stop. Not until the alert goes away. Yes, you will be ready for anything as the chlorotoxin begins to block the chloride channels in your muscles, causing increasing amounts of pain as your muscles begin to seize one by one. However, you will need to hurry before paralysis sets in. Now there is the small problem of the device failing to shut off roughly 50% of time when an alert clears, but they assure me that problem will be fixed in the next version due in early 2018. Worried you will be alone in suffering scorpion fueled agony, technical departments? We are also working on a model that will react the same way should the stock price drop more than 2%, which we will be rolling out to the rest of the organization. It is brand new day here at <COMPANY>. Congratulations, <NAME>!

Happy 6^th Anniversary, <NAME>! Yes, you were instrumental in helping us get off of the legacy platform running Windows Server 2003, but no one can do anything to stop the legacy of death penned in the blood of the virtuous by Arkzyxthoth the Devourer. From his reeking pit deep within the bowels of the subterranean caverns of the lost city of the forbidden people, it has for countless centuries recorded a litany of vile deeds. Attended by crazed servants that flagellate themselves into in a state of frenzy using barbed whips, its toxic influence knows no bounds. What hope have we of sanctuary when such a monster clothes itself in the skins of the righteous and picks its venomous fangs with their bones? While we build our platforms and serve our customers, Arkzyxthoth plots to doom the innocent and cast our works to ruin, until all that remains of human kind is servile race of sycophants toiling in a kingdom of toppled ruins and blighted graves. So happy anniversary! Enjoy your great success. For Arkzyxthoth turns its baleful gaze towards us, and covets all that we have made.