Happy 1 year anniversary! Sending out something about nightmarish horrors seems inappropriate, so I will stick with a fairly standard happy anniversary. Now we know what you are thinking, “This is where he says something about being replaced by a hive of sentient insects who have hollowed out his skull and taken control of his synapses, turning him into a human meat puppet and I’m next.” Nothing could be further from the truth. We are simply wishing you a most sincere anniversary, and at no point should you feel the need to check under tables or chairs for egg clusters that have been deposited there and will soon hatch, spilling forth millions of tiny bugs that will slowly corrupt and take control of your coworkers. This is just a simple anniversary greeting, and contains absolutely no hidden messages spelling out the doom of all mankind and the rise of the brain bugs from the Kuiper belt. We have moved beyond such human concerns and sentiments… Is what we might say if we were an insectoid hive mind, which we have clearly established we are not.
Happy one year anniversary, <NAME>! <COMPANY> has achieved market dominance in <FIELDS> through a combination of moxy, hard work, and constant sacrifice to the foul monsters that power the internet. Yes, in a sepulcher hidden beneath <COMPANY> world headquarters in <CITY>, blind monks in black robes feed a steady procession of souls into the gaping hell mouths of beasts too terrible to imagine. The iron chains of these offerings jingle listlessly as they are shoved forward into the waiting maws of things outside of space and time. There they will be ground and mangled, their energies used to power the internet, which is actually one massive hive mind comprised of the malignant intelligence of these vile creatures. On an unrelated note, what size chains do you wear?