Congratulations on your anniversary, <NAME>! It is said you know quite a bit about Arsenal Football, but did you know Arsenal is actually a front for a paramilitary organization? It is true. That is why they are called Arsenal. They reason they are so skilled at football is that they are artificially created humanoid lifeforms with the ability to alter probability. Like Longshot from the Marvel Comics universe. Remember Longshot? Anyone? Longshot? No? Well, they are just like Longshot.
Hailing from the alternate dimension called “The Mojoverse”, members of the team were forced to compete in grim gladiator tournaments at the whim of the Spineless Ones and their grotesque ruler Mojo. These battles were waged in the name of increased ratings for Mojo, who uses his vast media empire to placate and control the denizens of Mojoworld. Using their probability altering skills, the Arsenal footballers were able to escape through a dimensional doorway to our earth, freeing themselves from the clutches of Mojo. As competing against others in arenas packed with roaring crowds was all they had ever known, they quickly organized themselves into a football club.
When not playing, however, they stockpile weaponry. 12 gauge auto loaders. 45 long slides with laser sighting. Phased plasma rifles in the 40 watt range. All to protect themselves on the day when Mojo’s henchmen come for them. They do not know who Mojo will send. The six-armed assassin Spiral? The bestial Gog and Magog? The ram headed Quark? Or perhaps all of them. All they know is one day Mojo will find his stars, and they intend to be ready to defeat him and his minions.
I am just going to have to accept that I am the only person who liked Longshot and the Mojoverse.