Tonight’s kill count: 1
Oh, scorpions. It has been so long since we last danced our dance of death. Did you think I had forgotten? Did you hope I had grown weak? I have been awaiting your return. I have not lapsed in my vigil. It was you who chose to hide. Who dug into the earth and told yourselves it was only a temporary grave. I have kept my hatred alight while you have hoped cold cunning might prevail. What good is the cold against an inferno? What hope has a chill against the brazen heat of my pure hate? If you had the capacity for regret I would tear you apart in front of your brothers. I would boil your families alive in the flames of my malice. Instead I leave you broken and dying among the dirt you had hoped would conceal you. I hope your corpse fares better. I wait. I hunger for your deaths. Send your kin into the rapacious maw of my seething contempt.
Please join me in wishing <NAME> a happy 8th anniversary here at <COMPANY>! <NAME>, we have been through a lot in our years together, but perhaps no threat has even been so dire as the one we currently face. The unicorn people of the gumdrop nebula are fast approaching on their kitten class warships. Their happiness rays are targeting all of our strategic assets. They will descend from the skies riding cuddly puppies, prepared to spread peace and joy by force. On reaching our planet’s surface they shall unmount and begin what can only be described as an absolutely ruthless campaign of mirth. With their rainbow lasers they shall launch an unprecedented slaughter of all gloominess, bad feelings, and dark tidings. The cost in lives will be immeasurable. Mostly because there will be no loss of life, and you cannot measure zero. There is nothing to measure.
Our reality will be one of unending happiness and fulfillment and showers of candy and it will be terrible. Just terrible. We must work together to prevent this bright future spent aimlessly strolling down candy cane lanes without a single care. Certainly we shall never want or know sadness or suffering, but at what cost? Is that not what makes us human? The ability to want? To see another person with a shiny rock and say to ourselves, “I covet that shiny thing!” To pick up a sharpened stick and stab them in the eye and take it? Since our very first days, life has been a brutal, unyielding struggle to lift ourselves over our brethren and scream, “Gaze upon my magnificence! I have more shiny things than those around me!” Then to be on constant guard against those who seek to take our shinnies for their own. What kind of future is it where we would leave those objects to gather powdered sugar dust whilst we go frolic in a river of whiskey and dreams? Not one I want to be part of. We must teach these unicorn men our ways, and in so doing scour their world to ashes with the force of gamma gummi bombs. It is the only way. It is the human way.