Anniversary Email 13

Greetings, <NAME>, and congratulations on your recent anniversary! As you know, <COMPANY> is a world leader in new and exciting employee reward programs. But did you know we have a brought back a popular old program available to everyone celebrating their anniversary this week? Yes, it is true. The following MANDATORY program is: FREE CYBERNETIC UPGRADES. You too can be like your favorite William Gibson character with these exciting technological enhancements.

  • Non prehensile, incredibly heavy tail
  • Brain computer interface that only works with the Amiga 500
  • Super strength – But only when you are sobbing hysterically
  • Flight – limited to two inches off the ground. Movement speed is 1cm a minute. Does not work over water. Or sand. Or anywhere except over this gigantic fan platform we built. Basically we attach you to the platform and wheel you around.
  • Fingertip missiles – Please note, these are non replaceable. Once you fire them, they are gone. Also, they tend to go off when doing things like typing. Or scratching your temple.
  • Non retractable roller skate feet
  • Chainsaw tongue
  • Chainsaw arms
  • Chainsaw legs
  • Chainsaw torso – Don’t ask how this works.
  • Chainsaw eyes – Or this.
  • We really like chain saws
  • Releasable nano machines that will reform any other object into a spatula. Spatulas will be reformed into a slightly worse spatula.
  • High intensity laser built into the inside of your chest cavity – Like behind the bones and stuff.
  • Improved taste receptors that only work for bitterness
  • Detachable head – Please note, this says detachable, not re-attachable. I guess technically your current head is already detachable.
  • Replace your tongue with a robot cobra –¬†Cobra is venomous.
  • Cobra does not like anyone.
  • Even you.
  • Especially you.
  • Seriously, that cobra is PISSED.

We trust you are excited to get these installed at your earliest convenience, so we have dispatched a team to your location. Congratulations again!