Greetings and happy anniversary, <NAME>! Your work here at <COMPANY> is highly valued, and consequently you have been selected as the lucky recipient of our MANDATORY body upgrades program, our most popular employee rewards program among those not eligible to receive it! Please select no less than THREE of the following:
- Slinky legs
- Randomly timed, high velocity ejection bladder
- Reverse porcupine quills – When something touches you, you get stabbed
- On fire hair
- We duct tape two VERY angry wolverines to your thighs – Admittedly we got sort of lazy on this one
- Excessive sweat glands
- Swarovski Crystal skeleton – So we were watching the newest Indiana Jones movie and were trying to find a way to workshop something with the fridge, but then we thought “Those crystal skulls have gotta come from some place” so we decided on this.
- Constantly bleeding eyeballs
- Sandpaper skin – Such that you might constantly, gradually abrade everything you come in contact with. In good conscience we won’t apply it to your thighs to avoid hurting the wolverines.
- Butter fingers – Not like you are clumsy or anything. We just replace your fingers with sticks of butter. This is not recommended for Arizona summers.
I’m sure you agree these high value body modifications will be a welcome addition to your daily life. Just think of all the things you will be able to do! Things like… uh… wait… hold on a second… Well, ok, so if you know anyone who has never seen a wolverine, you can show them TWO. That is pretty great. I’m going to just go ahead and mark you down for that one right now.
Our surgeons will be with you shortly! Please note, they don’t believe in anesthesia. Not that they have issues with it, they just don’t believe it exists. Or maybe they have never heard of it. I don’t know how they train surgeons in Tajikistan. Either way, you aren’t getting any.
Congratulations again! I am sure you are as excited as we are about these upcoming changes.