Periodically I get mass emails asking me to welcome someone to the company. On occasion, I reply. This was one such occurrence.
Welcome to <company name>, <employee>.
As you have no doubt heard, <company name> is an up and coming company on the fast track to internet dominance! Our “go get them” attitude has been responsible for rapid growth, allowing us to claim the position of top <identifying information removed>! In fact, our portfolio is larger than the next three competitors… COMBINED!
You may have heard rumors about the ancient leviathans that dwell beneath the earth and issue inscrutable orders to our leaders through psychic links… and while all of this is true, who are we to argue with success? Our soul pact with horrors from beyond time has given us the edge we need, while only costing us our very sanity, and a monthly tithe in interns that we must toss, screaming, into the yawning chasm beneath our world headquarters in <city>. These eldritch beasts will surely arise one day, cracking the soil of our planet, their ravening hunger driving them to consume all that lays before them. In the meantime, we will leverage our position to grow even further, that we might prove a suitable repast for our fiendish overlords.