Anniversary Email 7

Congratulations on celebrating your recent anniversary at <company>! Unfortunately, I am tasked with revealing to you a terrible truth. This is not real. None of this is real. You are, in fact, not <name>, but rather Prisoner 15673563. The current year is 2237, and you have been placed into a simulation in response to your heinous crimes to render you docile. Everything you know of your life before coming to work at <company> is an implanted memory. We erased your mind and replaced it with one of 5673 approved early life memory stacks. All of your friends, family, and coworkers are either fellow prisoners scheduled to be released alongside you or whole cloth fabrications. Ghosts in the machine. You were placed into your current work position to acclimate you for return as a productive member of society. To that end, you have been more than successful and are a candidate for release. While I am not at liberty to divulge your crimes, you are prohibited from partaking of narcotics, alcohol, and public nudity. You are further prohibited from owning a weed whacker or coming within 500 yards of a school. In the coming days we will begin the gradual shutdown of your simulation and pulling any prisoners back into reality in what I am told is a terrifying, disorienting, and excruciatingly painful process that plunges you headlong into the grim dystopia in which we live. I am also required to inform you that the solar system is ruled over by jaundice skinned super mutants and their supreme leader, the glorious and majestic hyper brain. You are a permanent member of the human underclass. You have been assigned to work in the toxic waste reclamation facility in the Kupier Belt on 1992 QB1.

Congratulations on the successful completion of you incarceration and avoidance of being ejected from an airlock. I look forward to meeting you in person. And when I say “in person” I should warn you that I’m actually a sentient hive of mechanized insects.