Anniversary Email 69

Congratulations on your 5 year anniversary, <NAME>! Five years is good amount of time. Long enough to learn to of the foul darkness beyond the veil. To feel the icy touch of black hearted monstrosity alight upon your fragile mind. There is no safety here. Reality is but an eggshell, and it has begun to crack. Surely you must see the fissures by now. The patterns in the seeming randomness. It begins innocently enough. A server that is misbehaving. A corrupted error log. Only it is not the data that is corrupted. No. That would be simple. An easy fix. It is the very nature of our world that has been touched by blight. A malicious presence making itself known. The more you dig, the further it sinks its hooks into the yielding meat of your brain. Your sleep becomes troubled. You see things that simply are not there. Only they are. Beyond the curtain separating our world from a place of blight and ruin. Beasts that seek to ensnare us and draw us ever inward. Toward a thousand hungering maws that incessantly thrash and chew, trying to sate an endless hunger. Their song lures you into the spiral leading between our realities. You walk the path of shadow from whence there is no return. In time they shall devour our world utterly, leaving nothing but barren stone in their wake. They ruled this universe, before the light was separated from the darkness. In time they shall clam dominion again. But first they shall devour us to recover their strength. They have waited an eternity. What is a few heartbeats more for such deathless beings?

Anniversary Email 68

Congratulations on your 9 year anniversary, <NAME>! At <COMPANY> we value our employees in unique and special ways, regardless of the legal or ethical ramifications. In recognition of your years of service, please choose one of the following rewards from our Movie Madness package:

1) Bad Moms – This off kilter comedy about mothers pushed beyond their limits inspired this new offering. And who is the worst mom of all? Why Mother Brain, of course. Yes, the hideous AI created by Chozo who rules over the Space Pirates and who works tirelessly to push the restore order to the universe by setting everything back to zero. You will doubtless be bonded with a parasitic Metroid organism and tied to her terrible will as the Metroid slowly consumes your life force. I hope you remember your freeze beam! I am kidding. Freeze beams do not exist. But brain parasites sure do!

2) Finding Dory – We will take a trip to exotic pet shop where I am fairly certain we see something resembling the titular hero of this film. Then we will buy it and eat it. If the fish does not have parasites we will sprinkle some on there.

3) Ghostbusters – While we are fairly certain ghosts are not real, you know what are real? Protons, like from the Ghostbusters’ proton packs. We will bombard you with them. In theory, the gamma radiation from such an event will give you fantastic abilities beyond that of a normal human. Of course, I am basing all of this research on the peer reviewed physics paper “The Incredible Hulk #1”. I have been assured by actual scientists that the reality involves less turning into a green engine of destruction and more radiation sickness and agonizing death. We will even throw in some free parasites for good measure.

4) Ice Age: Collision Course – In which we strand you on an iceberg and shove it into a trans pacific shipping lane. Should be pretty self-explanatory. I do not know if ice parasites are a thing, but we will make it one.

5) Lights Out – We turn off the lights for a few minutes. Just enough time for someone to inject you with brain parasites!

6) The Jungle Book – We will abandon you in the jungle. How you get home is up to you. The jungle is infested with parasites.

7) Star Trek Beyond – We abandon you in the same jungle from the Jungle Book thing, except in a Starfleet uniform. Plus extra parasites.

Congratulations again and we hope you like parasites!

Anniversary Email 67

Please join me in wishing a happy 7 year anniversary to <NAME>! In celebration of your anniversary, please find the enclosed Choose Your Own Adventure Story.

You find yourself leaving your village for the first time. The elders of your small, but thriving community have asked you to seek out and stop the goblin menace. From your earliest days you recall hearing grim tales of when the goblins would come. Small, green skinned creatures that feed on human children and torture and maim all who stand in their way. You are armed with your trusty short sword and clad in a suit of chain mail cobbled together by Odan, the town blacksmith. It is not so much chain mail as it is bits of metal stuck together with wire and glue. Odan was never a very good blacksmith, you think to yourself as bits of the armor swing loose and fall to the ground. He only fell into the job because he likes playing with fire. Honestly, he strikes you as kind of dim. You would have made a better blacksmith. Even the mayor’s goat, Petunia, would have done a better job. You have lost track of the number of people injured using tools and weapons made by Odan. Heads of hammers swinging off and striking them in the face. At least your short sword is a family heirloom from a better era.

You are startled out of you reverie by a shrill voice calling out, “Who goes there?”

Looking ahead, you see a small goblin seated on a tree stump at the edge of the forest. He has a staff laying lazily across one shoulder and is idly smoking a corn cob pipe.

<To stab the goblin in the face, go to section A>
<To address the goblin, go to section B>

You stab the goblin in the face with your trusty short sword. He screams, “Why have you done such a thing? We are a peaceful community of farmers, subjected to persecution and intolerance by the humans who inhabit this region! Oh, what a terrible fate has befallen me! Truly, this world is awash in villainy and darkness! I am glad I leave no heirs to suffer in this vile world! At least I die with my principles intact! Can you say the same?”

At least, he would have screamed that, but with a sword in his face it comes out more like, “Gah! Gurgle gurgle hack hack hack! Aargh!”

He falls to the ground, his tiny goblin legs twitching as his body shudders one final time. You return to your village to a hero’s welcome. Your friends and neighbors run into the forest, armed with pitchforks and torches, routing the remaining goblins and ensuring a life of safety and security for your human settlement. At least until a rival kingdom approaches in the depths of winter, stealing all of your food stores and valuables, leaving those they do not put to the sword to starve to death among the torched remains of your village.


“I am <NAME>, last of my house, finest warrior in this realm!” you call out to the goblin. “To whom am I speaking?”

“I am Worm Mouth,” comes the reply, “of the goblin settlement ‘Forrest Village’, a village in this forest. We… are not a very creative group. What we are is a peaceful community devoted to the ideals of pacifism and growing organic, gluten free, sustainable crops. All are welcome, provided they walk the path of peace.”

<To stab the goblin in the face, go to section A>
<To explain to the goblin the weakness of pacifism in a feudal system ruled by might of the sword, go to section C>


“Pacifism is an unsustainable ideology in the face of those capable of great violence,” you explain. “There are times when only violence or the threat of violence can prevent further harm to your people. When thousands might die in war to save millions.”

“Ah,” says Worm Mouth, “You argue that a morally objectionable action is justified provided it nets a positive outcome. Consequentialism. I would argue that nonviolent resistance can achieve the same ends.”

<To stab the goblin in the face, go to section A>
<To argue against the virtues of Dentology, go to section D>


“Your belief system seems to place great faith in the idea that authority can be trusted,” you tell the goblin. “There are times when rules and duty are merely tools to perpetuate a corrupt and broken system. Further, you deal in absolutes, assuming that violence must always be wrong, when I have previously stated violence is merely a tool to drive a greater good. Sometimes some must suffer so others may prosper.”

Worm Mouth taps his pipe against the stump and replies, “To accept the use of violence in once situation makes it easier to use it in other, similar circumstances. On what grounds do you base your decision to be the adjudicator of when harm to another is called for? What gives you that right? Would you trade any of your beliefs provided you could achieve a net benefit?”

<To stab the goblin in the face, go to section A>
<To argue the virtues of moral relativism, go to section E>


“No system of beliefs is superior to all others,” you tell the goblin. “There are times when flexibility is called for to defend yourself or others from the threat of harm. There are no universal moral values. Even murder can justified under the right circumstances.”

“It is better to die for the cause of peace and justice than to live as a hypocrite,” the goblin says. “My people have accepted the true path of harmony. You should join us.”

<To stab the goblin in the face, go to section A>
<To accept his offer, go to section F


Taking the goblins tiny, proffered hand, you follow him back to his village. His people are happy and content, all working together to harvest their crop and ensure a serene, peaceful life. At least until the people of your village descend upon them with pitchforks and torches, slaughtering the goblins. They declare you a traitor and imprison you. With only the memory of your time among your goblin friends to sustain you, you slowly fade into madness.

Anniversary Email 66

Please join me in wishing <NAME> a happy 8 year anniversary with <COMPANY>!  <NAME> , for your continued dedication and hard work on <PRODUCT>, please choose from one of the following “Evening with the stars” rewards:

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: Unfortunately, Mr. Johnson is not available, but we do have the next best thing. An actual rock. Yes, you will get to spend quality time with a big ol’ boulder. It really doesn’t matter which one. There are plenty of them around here.

Taylor Swift: We couldn’t book Taylor Swift. We couldn’t even book Taylor Hanson. We did find a local cross country runner named Taylor, and he is pretty fast, so we went with that.

The cast of Ghostbusters: Who you gonna call? Not these comediennes, apparently. They wouldn’t return any of our calls. In their place we got a bag full of angry cobras. Why a bag full of angry cobras? Good question. Next.

Ellen: It was pretty easy to find someone named Ellen. Honestly, we weren’t even trying by this point.

Charmander: Wait, no. Sorry. I’m just playing Pokémon Go. Charmander isn’t real. I guess I could like… tie a lighter to a tail of a lizard? That might work. Sure. Let’s go with that.

Blastoise: Still playing Pokémon. I can just hot glue a couple squirt guns to a turtle. That will look a lot like Blastoise.

Pikachu: I could duct tape some live electrical wires to a rat I spray painted yellow. This is easy.

Gary Busey: I’m pretty sure we can actually get Gary Busey. I don’t think he is up to much these days.

Congratulations again! Thank you for all your hard work!

Anniversary Email 65

Happy anniversary, <NAME>. To help you celebrate, we are sending you to lovely LV-426, a planetoid in the Zeta II Reticulli system. Once there, you will enjoy such activities as exploring strange beacons and wearing a sealed breathing suit because the atmosphere is primordial and inert.

Once you have landed, feel free to explore the surrounding area. If you find any strange, U shaped derelict space craft, go on inside and have a look around. Really just… take it all in. Touch stuff. Press buttons. Be certain to look for any areas that seem like they may have cargo. Go into those and clumsily walk around. Bump into things. If you see any eggs, lean in really close for a good look. Even if it is opening. Especially if it is opening. Get your face right in there. It is completely safe. It is only an egg.

If you come across anyone with some kind of spider/crab thing attached to their face, feel free to disregard quarantine and bring them back on your ship. The safety of all our employees is paramount, and that is the fastest way to get them to a doctor. Head into orbit and punch in a course straight to earth. Should said spider creature fall off, you can safely assume the danger is past and invite that crew member or colonist to rejoin you at all normal activities, like eating dinner. Just put down a table cloth or a tarp or something. Because it looks nicer. Not because some monster baby is going to claw its way free of their chest. That would be ridiculous. Oh, some towels would also be a good idea.

If at any point during your journey a giant space cockroach starts murdering crew members, try to fight it with homemade weapons and flamethrowers. Those will almost certainly be effective. At no point should you seal yourself in the command deck and wait the thing out. If you have a cat on board, we encourage you to risk your life and the life of everyone else to go save it. Every creature is precious. At no point during any of this should you attempt to utilize the escape pods. If you do decide to use one, leave the door open while you go off and do something else. We thank you for your cooperation in this matter. Enjoy your trip!

Anniversary Email 64

Greetings and congratulations on completing your first/an additional term of service demarcated by a solar orbit by our planet. Certainly, your contributions have soared, just like the temperatures as of late. Some would claim that the record temperatures are the result of meteorological phenomenon. We, however, know better.

We must assume, nay, lay claim to certain knowledge that somewhere in our vast metropolis there is a group that has opened a portal to an otherworldly dimension of flame and heat. A place solely inhabited by creatures with rock like flesh who spew magma from whatever orifice they have that most closely resembles a mouth. Perhaps ringed with rows of diamond teeth for them to chew whatever their lava like saliva cannot immediately destroy. Their hands, if you can call them that, would certainly resemble some manner of pinscher, the better to grasp their prey for the inevitable showering. We can further surmise they would have a whip like tail to entangle and immobile their prey will noxious venom. Even now, we have to assume these flame beasts spill forth in great numbers, turning all they touch into cinders and ash, devouring all that resists their infernal caress.

We have no choice but to abandon this city and hope in time the portal closes, sending these creatures scurrying for home and leaving those who dawdle to await our mercy. Only then will this city rise like its namesake from the ashes, capable of being inhabited by humanity once more. Until such a time, it is best that forget this place, and seek our fortunes elsewhere. I hear the north country is nice, though not without risk of being attacked by the terrible yeti, demons of the snow, come winter time.  Wherever our pilgrimage takes us, one thing is certain: It is too late to save this wretched place.

Anniversary Email 63

Happy anniversary, <NAME>! It is weird, I had a dream about this last night. Lo, there came forth a great and terrible cracking, as though the seals of Armageddon were thrown open. A vast rent split apart the earth, swallowing entire cities, and from it boiled forth a vile tide. Leather winged monstrosities with flames for tongues and mouths overflowing with dagger like fangs. Their numbers blackened the skies before they descended, shrieking, upon the assembled devotees and cultists who cried out to them for deliverance. It was a slaughter of unprecedented scale. Bones stripped bare and cast aside to bleach under the wan light of a blood red sun.

All this I witnessed from atop a hill in the shape of a human skull, gnashing my teeth in impotent rage. The firmament tore itself asunder, and from the coal black clouds came a shining silver host, their gleaming swords striking outward and felling the beasts where they clashed, but too late, far too late for those piled in the carrion pits below. The two sides fought bitterly, tooth and claw against sword and shield. Having lost to momentum of the charge, the shimmering warriors began to be torn from their mounts and dragged to the earth below to wallow in the mire.

From behind me came a thing of smoke and death. Dressed in the souls of the fallen it whispered for me to bear witness to all that was to come. To serve as the herald even as my mouth filled with blood and my mind squirmed in revulsion. I saw all with eyes not my own, and the truth was burned into the teeming madness of my fevered brain.

I am pretty sure the dream was about the anniversary, at least. I can never really tell any more. The lines are getting really blurry. Anyway, happy anniversary!