Monster Drawing Club 5

You can see more of the rough lines on this one, likely because I got lazy and didn’t attempt to erase them. I wanted the lich to be holding his phylactery, as that is an important part of lichdom, and separates them from other types of undead. Sharpie fine again for details. I was still searching for a better method of shading at this point.

The lich for monster drawing club
The lich for monster drawing club

How to Petition Brilzug the Lord of Flaying When It is Wearing Headphones

How to Petition Brilzug the Lord of Flaying When It is Wearing Headphones Over the Sensory Organs We Might Crudely Refer to as Ears

These days, many entities who exist on the frayed edges of of our reality are cruel and capricious monsters who have turned their multitudinous eyes elsewhere in the cosmos.

That does not mean you cannot petition their favor.

Not all entities are receptive to entreaties from pitiful creatures they consider beneath their notice, and will gladly consume the minds of any who dare to speak their name, leaving an empty, soulless husk. A drooling shell of what was once a man.

However, some things from beyond the realms of humanity are eager for supplicants and vassals who will work their dark will upon the face of our world, turning it into a hellish landscape of ceaseless suffering and torment. These blighted overlords will be happy to hear your pleas and invest you with a portion of their power, blackening your soul and damning you to an eternity in their thrall in exchange for power over your own kind. The ability to subjugate your fellow humans in the dark bondage of your new master.

Of course, their willingness to hear your mewling does not mean they will not crush your flesh, leaving a ruined mass of shattered bones and bleeding tissues, your organs sent to the far flung nine corners of their domain to be gnawed on by things that cannot exist in our universe. This is the risk you take when you dare to traverse where your brethren rightly fear to tread.

Approaching and Talking to Brilzug the Lord of Flaying When It is Wearing Headpohnes

First, you must find an ancient grimoire bound in human flesh, stained with blood and the passing of ages. Within the yellowed, cracking pages, you must find a ritual called The Black Sacrament. Beware corrupted versions of this incantation, as they will surely call the unwanted notice of far fouler beasts.

The seller will likely make many demands of you. Fulfill them to your utmost, and be willing to offer anything. Have no fear, this unfortunate degenerate shall be the first to be annihilated when you assume your new form. Your promises mean nothing.

Pour out a circle of salt and stand within. As you begin chanting the blasphemous words that dance before your eyes, you will feel your sanity begin to strain and slip. At this point you may go insane, forever lost to the terrible truths to which you have opened your mind. Persist in your efforts.

Next you must produce a sacrificial dagger forced from the black ore found only in the Mines of Gibbering Madness and tempered in the blood of goats. It must be goat blood. Rams’ blood will not work. Cows’ blood will cause you to be atomized and scattered into the realms of pain, where you will be tortured eternally by the howling winds.

With the dagger, slice into the flesh of your forearm, peeling your skin back from the muscle. Continue until you are able to hold your flayed arm aloft, proclaiming you have done so in the name of Brilzug, the Lord of Flaying. It is important you not allow any blood to fall outside the salt circle. Doing so will result in you being consumed in a pillar of flame.

Summoned by the scent of your blood on the wind, you should now have its full attention. At this point, Its many lidless eyes will likely have turned to gaze upon you balefully, the full weight of Its terrible majesty made manifest through the rent you have opened into Its world. It will slowly remove the headphones that It might listen to your pitiful words. All will stand revealed as you stand on the precipice of dark apotheosis.

The rest is up to you. Speak plainly and clearly, making your desires known. Bargain wisely, as you are weak and easily destroyed by this terrible thing that should not exist. Your new life begins now, your will lashed to that of your hideous master.

Common Mistakes that Mortals Make When Approaching Brilzug the Lord of Flaying When It is Wearing Headphones

1. Approaching in a nervous manner

Only the mighty are worth of serving Brilzug. The weak are to be fodder for the strong. All shall suffer in the coming world, and the weak will be the first to fall.

2. Giving up too easily

Headphones are a great barrier between a vile thing of darkness and the world, but not as great as the void keeping our realities from commingling.

Some of these creatures are more than capable of manifesting on their own, but they want supplicants with strength and confidence, and they like to test their followers with arcane rituals and difficult acts of faith.

Those who give up too easily or feel shame at their actions are marked as cowards and will be forced to watch as they love is brought to ruin before their flesh is twisted and they are made to spend eternity writhing in endless pain.

3. Not leading the conversation

Brilzug has no need of you, human. You are weak and pathetic. You approached It. You must make you entreaties and show you are worth of Its vile caress.

4. Sticking to polite or reserved conversation

Brilzug is the lord of Flaying. Politeness and reservation went out the window long ago. Get to the point and do it quickly, meat sack, lest it grow weary of your prattling and devour you whole.

5. Not including sacrifices

Lords of Flaying love gifts. The bloodier, the better. You will be called on for frequent sacrifice while in Its thrall. You will be made to offer up that which you hold most dear. This is the price of power. These are the wages that must be paid. You shall know strength, but only at the cost of suffering. You shall be made again in Its terrible image.

Anniversary Email 69

Congratulations on your 5 year anniversary, <NAME>! Five years is good amount of time. Long enough to learn to of the foul darkness beyond the veil. To feel the icy touch of black hearted monstrosity alight upon your fragile mind. There is no safety here. Reality is but an eggshell, and it has begun to crack. Surely you must see the fissures by now. The patterns in the seeming randomness. It begins innocently enough. A server that is misbehaving. A corrupted error log. Only it is not the data that is corrupted. No. That would be simple. An easy fix. It is the very nature of our world that has been touched by blight. A malicious presence making itself known. The more you dig, the further it sinks its hooks into the yielding meat of your brain. Your sleep becomes troubled. You see things that simply are not there. Only they are. Beyond the curtain separating our world from a place of blight and ruin. Beasts that seek to ensnare us and draw us ever inward. Toward a thousand hungering maws that incessantly thrash and chew, trying to sate an endless hunger. Their song lures you into the spiral leading between our realities. You walk the path of shadow from whence there is no return. In time they shall devour our world utterly, leaving nothing but barren stone in their wake. They ruled this universe, before the light was separated from the darkness. In time they shall clam dominion again. But first they shall devour us to recover their strength. They have waited an eternity. What is a few heartbeats more for such deathless beings?

Anniversary Email 68

Congratulations on your 9 year anniversary, <NAME>! At <COMPANY> we value our employees in unique and special ways, regardless of the legal or ethical ramifications. In recognition of your years of service, please choose one of the following rewards from our Movie Madness package:

1) Bad Moms – This off kilter comedy about mothers pushed beyond their limits inspired this new offering. And who is the worst mom of all? Why Mother Brain, of course. Yes, the hideous AI created by Chozo who rules over the Space Pirates and who works tirelessly to push the restore order to the universe by setting everything back to zero. You will doubtless be bonded with a parasitic Metroid organism and tied to her terrible will as the Metroid slowly consumes your life force. I hope you remember your freeze beam! I am kidding. Freeze beams do not exist. But brain parasites sure do!

2) Finding Dory – We will take a trip to exotic pet shop where I am fairly certain we see something resembling the titular hero of this film. Then we will buy it and eat it. If the fish does not have parasites we will sprinkle some on there.

3) Ghostbusters – While we are fairly certain ghosts are not real, you know what are real? Protons, like from the Ghostbusters’ proton packs. We will bombard you with them. In theory, the gamma radiation from such an event will give you fantastic abilities beyond that of a normal human. Of course, I am basing all of this research on the peer reviewed physics paper “The Incredible Hulk #1”. I have been assured by actual scientists that the reality involves less turning into a green engine of destruction and more radiation sickness and agonizing death. We will even throw in some free parasites for good measure.

4) Ice Age: Collision Course – In which we strand you on an iceberg and shove it into a trans pacific shipping lane. Should be pretty self-explanatory. I do not know if ice parasites are a thing, but we will make it one.

5) Lights Out – We turn off the lights for a few minutes. Just enough time for someone to inject you with brain parasites!

6) The Jungle Book – We will abandon you in the jungle. How you get home is up to you. The jungle is infested with parasites.

7) Star Trek Beyond – We abandon you in the same jungle from the Jungle Book thing, except in a Starfleet uniform. Plus extra parasites.

Congratulations again and we hope you like parasites!