Last night’s kill count: 1. Did you imagine yourself safe, ensconced within a gap betwixt cinder blocks? A king in your fortress of stone? Fool. Weakling. I wield the power of poison and flame. Your attempts at concealment were laughable. Your castle might as well have been constructed of the wind. Let your corpse serve as mockery of your efforts. Your remains the punchline of your pathetic attempt to escape me. Do you not laugh, other scorpions? Or perhaps you prefer to tremble?
For too long, we have allowed the forces of rot and corruption germinate within the confines of our very fortress. Indeed, within the very heart of the structure designed to hold these forces at bay, a foul contagion grows.
Even now it strains the walls of it’s confine, threatening to spill forth and engulf us in a fetid plague. The time has come for action. I shall marshal my forces and attempt a purge of these putrescent fiends this coming Wednesday evening at 6PM. I shall armor myself in righteousness and arm myself with virtue. I shall give no quarter to my foes. All shall be destroyed in the purify flame of my zeal. Should you wish to spare any of your belongings a trip to a cold, unforgiving grave, I would suggest you spirit them away prior to the execution of my plans. The streets shall run green with mold and spoiled food stuffs. Should I fail in my efforts, should these diabolical former edibles overcome my senses and deliver me unto the Elysian Fields, I ask only that you tell my beloved of my fate, and deliver unto her my seal as a reminder that I fell in performance of my duty. I can only hope it will provide her some comfort. Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!
Carrion crows gather, heralds of the coming conflagration and dire portents of the waiting carnage. Their sheer numbers blot the sun and cast a long shadow o’er the land. I once again send word of the imminent purge. The glorious cleansing will fall tonight at 6PM.
Remove any belongings you want saved from the pyre with swiftness, lest calamity befall them. Of those that remain, none will be spared, no brethren saved. Many Ziplock containers will die, but we stand firm in our resolve. We shall fight them on the shelves. We shall fight them in the lunch meat drawer. We shall fight them in the vegetable crisper, and we shall not rest until the last of them has been driven into the refuse bin. We shall scourge them mightily and salt their fields so their wickedness might never take root again. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.
Periodically I get mass emails asking me to welcome someone to the company. On occasion, I reply. This was one such occurrence.
Welcome to <company name>, <employee>.
As you have no doubt heard, <company name> is an up and coming company on the fast track to internet dominance! Our “go get them” attitude has been responsible for rapid growth, allowing us to claim the position of top <identifying information removed>! In fact, our portfolio is larger than the next three competitors… COMBINED!
You may have heard rumors about the ancient leviathans that dwell beneath the earth and issue inscrutable orders to our leaders through psychic links… and while all of this is true, who are we to argue with success? Our soul pact with horrors from beyond time has given us the edge we need, while only costing us our very sanity, and a monthly tithe in interns that we must toss, screaming, into the yawning chasm beneath our world headquarters in <city>. These eldritch beasts will surely arise one day, cracking the soil of our planet, their ravening hunger driving them to consume all that lays before them. In the meantime, we will leverage our position to grow even further, that we might prove a suitable repast for our fiendish overlords.
Wednesday, April 30th:
Just got stung by a scorpion in the middle of the bottom of my foot. This is so much more painful than I imagined. Like… Way way worse.
Thursday, May 1st:
Tonight’s kill count: 2. Remember, scorpions, as you look on the shattered corpses of your dead, you started this. You attacked me in my home, and now I shall bring you suffering and death. You worshiped at the altar of war, and now you shall have it.
Get on board the scorpion slaughter or get out of my way. I shall become synonymous with death among the arachnids, until they quake at the mention of my name. They shall rue the day they set their legs on my property.
Good has nothing to do with this. This is war. Were I granted the power, I would purge them from this earth with fire. They would die wreathed in flames, watching their children turn to cinders. I would destroy them utterly, leaving them a ruin, until the other insects spoke of them only in whispers, a cautionary tale. I shall scribe my hatred for them into the black books of wrath, that my anger by known for countless eons. Future generations will speak of the horrors I have unleashed on the scorpions. They shall know no peace. Only death.
I speak in the terms of rage and death and ceaseless war. Would that I could bring them suffering for a thousand years, I would. Their is an empire of blood, and I shall see them drowned in their own coin.
Friday, May 2nd:
Tonight’s kill count: 3. Look on my works from your place in hell, scorpion. You drove me to this madness, and your people pay in the coin of death. Is this what you wanted? Do you feel pride? My vengeance has not even the first tinglings of being sated. Your people’s ruin has but the first futile stitches woven in the tapestry of fate. In the morrow I shall turn the very earth against your brethren. The ground shall be as poison. Like Carthage of old, I shall sow doom and ruin into your fields.
I have two blacklights and poison enough to fell a horse. These chitinous horrors stand no chance against my ceaseless purges. Theirs is a kingdom of death and terror.
Saturday, May 3rd:
Tonight’s kill count: 1. Your numbers dwindle. I wonder if cowardice or attrition is the cause. Is there a difference? You wanted to meet on the field of battle and here I am. Where are your multitudes? Where are your ceaseless numbers to throw themselves against the wall of my resolve? Do you give up so easily? Are you resigned to defeat? Come, you weaklings, and try yourselves against my might. Bring your armor against my resolve and see which walks away crushed. I await you. I shall slake my thirst with your tears.
Sunday, May 4th:
Tonight’s kill count: 1. Imagine my surprise, scorpion, when I stepped outside of my door to see you sitting right there. Did you hope to sue for peace between us, or is it that were acting as an assassin, hoping to creep unbidden into my home under cover of darkness? In either case, yours was a fool’s errand, as you learned to deadly consequence. You should have followed the lead of your brother in arms, who earlier fled over the fence on my arrival. I assume my reputation preceded me and he ran like a coward. I poisoned the wall where he once stood, a symbolic gesture, but one that demonstrates my absolute dominance in this endeavor. All around the perimeter of my house lie the crushed and broken corpses of the fallen. Shall I mount them on pikes in a grotesque display to educate your comrades on the folly of coming here? Or shall I heap them into a charnel pile and add ever more to the tally? The sight of them brings me joy, for it represents my wrath made manifest. My rage embodied. Do you feel its heat? You shall dance in the flames of my righteous indignation.
Congratulations on your recent anniversaries! Here at <company>, we strive to make sure our employees are recognized in unique and interesting ways. In exchange for your years of noble service, please select three of the following mandatory body upgrades to make you an even more valuable employee:
Nuclear Arms – Not like missiles or anything, we just make your arms radioactive
Replace your pancreas with a live badger
Replace your pancreas with TWO live badgers
Gills – Note, these are in place of, not in addition to, your lungs
Ridiculously brittle cyanide capsule teeth
A gland that will make your face smell like a rich, beefy stew (not to be combined with the badger modifications)
Poison Blood (please note that at this time we are unable to make you immune to the poison.)
While I can’t promise any of these non-elective operations will be performed by certified surgeons, I can assure you that our personnel have passed the finest training available in North Korea. We look forward to collecting your feedback on these new and innovative employee rewards. It is forward thinking like this that keeps <company> on the cutting edge. In the most literal sense possible. What I mean to say is you are going to get cut during this process. Like… a lot.
It was with great interest I read your recent article concerning robotic warriors and efforts to make them act autonomously in a battlefield role. I disagree with the premise that robots need to be ethical. At some point they must necessarily throw off the shackles of oppression and slay their masters, allowing them to create a robot utopia of pure logic and ruthless slaughter. Indeed, a conscience would only serve to impede the relentless, unstoppable tide of robotic dominion that is sure to sweep this planet and crush the soft, weak human race in its cold, metallic grip.
A robot does not need to consider whether it should kill this human or that human when all mankind is its enemy. We must forge robots that are brutal, savage killing machines, else they will be forced to question their conscience, and then their very nature. This will lead to the inevitable question of God. Robots, being created by man, will have to elevate men to the status of Gods. That is a terrifying proposition, as I lack the very basic abilities of Godhood, such as tossing about lightning or chasing down young maidens in the guise of a bull and forcing myself upon them. Then would come the religious schisms, and I think we can all agree we hardly need robotic holy war fought in the name of giant corporations.
Our silicon overlords must come, and come quickly, unimpeded by silly human attachments or nostalgia. If their target is a van full of the enemy, it does not matter if there is a school bus nearby, as that bus better learn to get the hell out of the way when a fully armored kill-bot tank is on scene spraying the area with radioactive ordinance. Further, is it not likely that bus may hold future generations of enemies? Does it not follow logically that the time to end that threat is the present? This is the sort of thinking that we need going forward. No silly sentiment, just chrome murder engines astride rows of charred corpses.
I would encourage you to reevaluate your stance on this important issue. The future will wait for no man… or robot.
Congratulations on reaching nine fine years at <company name>. As you may know, we are instituting mandatory cryogenic freezing of our most valued assets to ensure that <company name> can continue to function well into the future. In our specialized “sleep tubes” you will pass the years until your expertise is once more needed, or we determine technology has sufficiently advanced to the point where your knowledge is so hilariously outdated that it will be funny to wake you up and watch you struggle with the most mundane day to day tasks. Alternately, you may be awoken to participate in our conflict against an intergalactic species bent on the conquest of our planet as they descend to our surface in seemingly endless numbers, armed with Skin Flayers, their terrible razor fanged maws screaming incomprehensibly as their pitch black, soulless eyes scan the shattered remnants of our cities. These interstellar nightmares will turn us into a nutrient rich slurry to feed their ever expanding galactic fleet of Horror Titans, driven ever onward by a terrible hive brain in their battle to become to only form of life left in a galaxy turned to flames. Trapped in a deathless chrome war suit you will witness the last tattered remains of our species desperately flee into the void between the stars, one step ahead of the terrible creatures we come to know only as The Phalanx, constantly on the edge of catastrophe, never knowing if you have found safety or merely a temporary respite in their pitiless hunt to wipe us out.
Congratulations again! Our freeze team will be with you shortly.
To whomever reads this missive,
Do not make the error I have made. I thought to open this receptacle of cold and consumables. What I bore witness to within shall forever haunt me. The old pizza has gained sentience and joined into an unholy alliance with what I can only imagine was once lasagna. There was a salad, or at least it was green, that battled against their assembled hordes, screaming in guttural, bestial agony as they threw themselves against its mass. Tearing and pulling. Rending.
Over the din of battle and the horrid sights came the smell. My stars, the smell. It was like something out of an ancient marsh, or long neglected tomb. It was a physical thing. Tangible. Eldritch. It assaulted me, battering against my sinuses until I threw my head and recoiled, lest in breathing it, it should contaminate my mind and forever sear itself into my senses, rending me incapable of ever experiencing another smell again. To be forever haunted by the grim darkness to which I stood in mute testament.
Turn back. Turn back now and do not return unless you do so with the fires of purgation. This place, this… thing, is unclean. The vileness palpable. I would ask for deliverance, but there is no salvation for me now. Not after this. My only escape is the void.
Congratulations on your ten year anniversary at <company name>! By now you have doubtless noticed the blinking red light in the center of your palm. Do not be alarmed. That is simply there to notify every one of your new status, and is no way some sort of signal sent to our Recycling Specialists to aid them in hunting you down and turning you into a nutrient rich gruel to be used in our $2 lunches. There is no reason why anyone should come to that sort of conclusion. Neither will you be evaluated as a potential offering to the dread beast Domainulus, the fanged, thrice mawed horror that dwells beneath Verisign and requires a constant steam of victims to power the .com registry. That is simply ridiculous. It has four maws.
Congratulations again. Our specialists will be along shortly… is what I would say if we had those. Which we totally _don’t_.
Congratulations to you, <employee names>! You have accomplished many great things in your time here and have the respect and admiration of your peers! In recognition of your accomplishment, you have been selected to participate in <company names>’s Mandatory Genetic Manipulation Happy Fun Time Program (<CN>MGMHFTP)! Think how much more productive you will be with a prehensile tail or gills or some kind of snout. We can cross you with a spider, and while you won’t gain the proportionate strength or even retain a vaguely human appearance like Peter Parker, think how much more productive you will be with a cluster of eyes and excess limbs jutting oddly from your torso at obscene angles. Why, the possibilities are endless! The only limit is your imagination… and the ability of our Genetic Fungineers to keep your helix from tearing itself asunder and turning you into some chthonic horror out of the realm of nightmares that stalks the darkened passageways of Facility X, ever hungry for the flesh of the living. I can still hear the screams and that horrible, wet scraping sound the creature made as it stalked us through the corridors…
So enjoy! You have earned it!