Anniversary Email 47

Congratulations, <NAME>! 8 years is quite an accomplishment. If you paid any attention to the recent CES 2016 show, you know that companionship robots were well represented. Everything from cute robots like Buddy, to robots inhabiting the uncanny valley like Toshiba’s ChihiraAco. Not one to be left behind, <COMPANY> has been working on our own companionship robot: S.L.A.U.G.H.T.E.R.Bot!

Not to worry, that is simply an acronym. It stands for Slashing Lacerating Amputating Unrelenting Grinding Hateful Tearing Eviscerating and Rending,  uh… bot. As we are still very much in alpha, we need to pair the S.L.A.U.G.H.T.E.R.Bot… You know what? We are just going to call it ‘Happy’ from this point forward. We need to pair Happy with employee handlers to see how it behaves in real world situations.

Happy will go with you everywhere. To work. To the store. To the playground. Actually, scratch that last one. I do not recommend that. Where ever you go, Happy will follow along behind you, its baleful red eyes continuously scanning everything around it for signs of weakness… to… tickles. Yes. Happy loves to tickle. And with its nine inch, serrated, prehensile digits, it is a tickling machine. Honestly, you cannot stop it from tickling, and I really must caution you against trying for your own safety and the safety of those around. Just let it do what it wants.

Worried Happy will be unable to follow over rough terrain? We have outfitted Happy with spiked treads that enable it to crush almost any obstacle underneath its massive, electrified frame. Yes, the slightest touch can render even the most stalwart of opponents prone and susceptible to a tank tread… back massage. Indeed, Happy loves to give massages. He will often emit a strange metallic sound while doing so. A hideous noise that one could almost mistake for laughter, as though it were enjoying crushing flesh and bone beneath its considerable bulk.

Of course, we will first want to introduce you to Happy, so that we can imprint your unique DNA signature into its database. This process currently has a 80% failure rate, but not doing the scan will not help us improve. We will be along shortly so you can make the acquaintance of our new robotic family member. And whatever you do, do not look directly at the chromed skull we have installed as its face. It really hates that.