Anniversary Email 36

Please join me in wishing a happy 7 year anniversary to <NAME> of the <ORGANIZATION>. Our work wouldn’t be possible without his dedication and expertise. 7 is an auspicious number. The 7 wonders of the world. 7 Samurai. Seagram’s 7 and 7. Of course, none can compare with the 7 Trials of the dread beast Boggrim, she who devours. Given your anniversary, you have been selected to face her contests in a bid to bestow her foul blessings upon us.

The first challenge is The Desert that Thirsts. You will be consumed in her thousand fanged threshing maw, your flesh shredded and your bones ground to dust in the dark and terrible pit that is the creature’s vast and vile mouth. There you will languish and suffer for what seems like a year, but in reality is only eleven and a half months.

The Second Challenge is the Striking Serpent. You will be tossed back into the maw for more grinding and chewing.

Third is the Test of Fire. Basically a continuation of the first two.

Fourth comes the Freezing Rains. We dump some fire ants into the mouth with you. Honestly, this makes more sense if it were the test of fire, but I don’t really recommend trying to give feedback to a rapacious monster that is little more than a fanged tube leading to a seemingly bottomless stomach. The last guy who did that ended up learning about the eighth trail, which… the less said about that, the better. Just… Gah. It was awful.

Fifth and Sixth are… look, they have names, but are just more time in the fangs with the ants and acidic saliva and the chewing and the breaking of bones. I’m not really convinced Boggrim has the ability to do much of anything else. She is called the devourer for a reason.

Seventh comes The Ordeal of the Thrashing Thousand Fanged Maw. That is where you have to go back to high school and take a test in your underwear. I don’t get it either. Just roll with it. Honestly, at that point it won’t even seem that bad.

Finally, having survived the tests, you will be granted a request of Boggrim. You may ask for whatever you want. Now, I cannot guarantee the thing will understand or even care about your request. She may just toss you back into the maw, but there is a chance it could work out, and we feel it is worth it. Congratulations again!

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