Anniversary Email 35

Congratulations on your recent anniversary, <NAME>. As you know, here at <COMPANY> we are leaders in employee recognition and rewards. In honor of your anniversary, you have been selected for a trip to the Planet of Torment. Don’t worry, it is something of a misnomer. It is actually a moon orbiting a corrosive gas giant. In the pain zone, you will learn a new and horrible meaning of suffering, as the gravitational forces at work on the moon twist and pull your body, while the native population of stinging cybernetic insects infest your flesh. Don’t worry, it is all for a dark and inscrutable purpose set forth by the Ancient Ones, who inscribed this in prophecy a million years past. Of course, they were wiped out in a great purge when the queen of the stinging insects arose from her basalt tomb and screamed for the blood of the uncorrupted, but we heed their ancient wisdom to this day. I suspect all of this will end just fine, and in no way will you be used as a vessel for the terrible queen to rise once more and wage war on the galaxy. Further, I have absolutely no reason to believe that once this comes to pass she will seek me out to become her consort, allowing us to ply the stars together and purge the universe of life, her cold and chitinous grasping limb wrapped by my warm, fleshy hand as a thousand worlds in flame reflect in her compound eyes.

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