Happy 12 year anniversary, <NAME>! At <COMPANY>, we pride ourselves on exceptional customer service. As a public company, we pride ourselves on being able to deliver value to our shareholders.
The tarantula hawk is a nightmarish spider wasp that hunts tarantula as food for its unborn young. It stalks, stings, and paralyzes the arachnid, at which point it drags the helpless victim back to a specially prepared lair, where an egg is laid and the spider is sealed in, Cask of Amontillado style. I will spare you the more gruesome details, but suffice to say, it ends with another Tarantula Hawk being birthed to continue the cycle.
At <COMPANY>, we have engineered what we are calling Developer Hawks. Gigantic, terrifying wasps with twelve foot wingspans that exist to hunt down developers for our recruitment efforts. On being successfully stalked and stung, a developer will be dragged to specially prepared desk, where they will be ready to work for <COMPANY> and help us achieve our corporate goals.
Of course, we need to test their function, so if you would be kind enough to provide us with a schedule of where you expect to be over the next several days, it would be very helpful. We’ve run five tests so far, but as of yet they have failed to deliver a single developer as expected. We do, strangely, have five new Developer Hawks in our swarm, but I am certain that is an unrelated, happy coincidence.