Anniversary email 30

Please join me in wishing <NAME>a very happy 12 year anniversary at <COMPANY>! <NAME> has been instrumental in building our wildly successful <REDACTED> platform. What we do would not be possible without his expertise and tireless dedication. Whether it is configuring Varnish or applying the golden hammer of HaProxy, he executes with passion and steely determination.

Imagine how much more excellent he will perform now that he is eligible for our latest incentive program! It has long been noted that pain processing is much faster than tactile processing in humans. Pain elicits reactions of increased heartrate and a surge of adrenaline to the bloodstream, leaving you alert and primed to handle whatever problem is manifest. To that end, we have designed a new server monitoring system: A sub dermal implant that, upon receiving an alert, injects scorpion venom directly into your spinal column. Yes, no more groggy, bleary eyed fumbling for the phone at night when the NOC calls. You will be wide awake, writhing in agony, willing to do anything to make the pain stop. And it won’t stop. Not until the alert goes away. Yes, you will be ready for anything as the chlorotoxin begins to block the chloride channels in your muscles, causing increasing amounts of pain as your muscles begin to seize one by one. However, you will need to hurry before paralysis sets in. Now there is the small problem of the device failing to shut off roughly 50% of time when an alert clears, but they assure me that problem will be fixed in the next version due in early 2018. Worried you will be alone in suffering scorpion fueled agony, technical departments? We are also working on a model that will react the same way should the stock price drop more than 2%, which we will be rolling out to the rest of the organization. It is brand new day here at <COMPANY>. Congratulations, <NAME>!

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