Anniversary email 32

Happy 12 year anniversary, <NAME>! At <COMPANY>, we pride ourselves on exceptional customer service. As a public company, we pride ourselves on being able to deliver value to our shareholders.

The tarantula hawk is a nightmarish spider wasp that hunts tarantula as food for its unborn young. It stalks, stings, and paralyzes the arachnid, at which point it drags the helpless victim back to a specially prepared lair, where an egg is laid and the spider is sealed in, Cask of Amontillado style. I will spare you the more gruesome details, but suffice to say, it ends with another Tarantula Hawk being birthed to continue the cycle.

At <COMPANY>, we have engineered what we are calling Developer Hawks. Gigantic, terrifying wasps with twelve foot wingspans that exist to hunt down developers for our recruitment efforts. On being successfully stalked and stung, a developer will be dragged to specially prepared desk, where they will be ready to work for <COMPANY> and help us achieve our corporate goals.

Of course, we need to test their function, so if you would be kind enough to provide us with a schedule of where you expect to be over the next several days, it would be very helpful. We’ve run five tests so far, but as of yet they have failed to deliver a single developer as expected. We do, strangely, have five new Developer Hawks in our swarm, but I am certain that is an unrelated, happy coincidence.

Anniversary email 31

Happy five year anniversary, <NAME>! As you know, <COMPANY> is focused on international growth. Overseas markets represent a huge untapped customer base for us. However, we are also a public company, and that means being mindful of how we are spending our investors’ dollars so we get the most bang for our buck and keep the stock price moving upward. To that end, I am pleased to announce <COMPANY> has closed the deal on a new European Datacenter. Introducing <COMPANY> Pripyat!

Located in scenic northern Ukraine, we have our pick of old block office buildings from which to stage our operations.  Given your tenure and track record of making “<COMPANY> Go!” you have been selected as one of our first employees at this exciting new facility! Our campus at <COMPANY> Pripyat (or <ACRONYM> as we are affectionately calling it) boasts plenty of living space, schools, a hospital, and even an amusement park!  Now it is true there is some work to be done, but at <COMPANY> we are not afraid to roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty. Seriously, though, don’t get any of the dirt on your hands. Or your face. Any skin contact at all should be avoided, really. I cannot stress that enough. I would also not actually roll up your sleeves. It is for the best because you are going to be required to wear a protective suit at all times. Otherwise, well, I hope you didn’t like having skin.

There are, of course, rumors of a hideous tribe of mutant cannibals that inhabit the radioactive ruins and worship the old nuclear reactor as the home of a vengeful, glowing green god. These rumors are all true. We at <COMPANY> feel these once men are an under-served market that could benefit from a web presence to sell their crafts online. Everything from bone earrings to bone necklaces to complete human skeletons. Essentially they sell things that are byproducts of the rampant cannibalism, but in time we could see them becoming a thriving small business and a real success story we could put on our home page… If we can get them to stop eating all the photographers we send out to get promo shots.

Some might view these as challenges, but we prefer to think of them as opportunities. An opportunity you are now a part of! Welcome aboard!