Please wish <NAME> a happy 9 year anniversary here at <COMPANY>. <NAME> is a key player on the <PRODUCT> team, keeping the environment secure, speedy, and stable. He recently took on a development role and I expect even greater things from him before he celebrates his 10 year anniversary. Happy anniversary, <NAME>!
As always, you are now eligible for the mandatory <COMPANY> Employee Enhancement Experience. Since you are a fan of Marvel comics, we offer you the following themed options.
Captain America: Three times a week every week we will inject you with our patented Super Soldier Anabolic Serum. You’ll be packing on muscle mass like Cap, and suffering from random bouts of inexplicable rage, like Hulk. This is a two for one, really. We will also give you a shield, or at least a round piece of metal, and spray your skin with green food coloring.
We source our Serum from whales. Why whales? Because of the transitive theory of bigness. Whales are big, so whale testosterone will make you big. It is basic science. Or at least science-y.
Hawkeye: We replace your eyes with eyes from a hawk. “But wait,” I hear you say, “aren’t a hawk’s eyes much smaller than my own?” Yes. Yes they are. They will be rolling around your sockets and flopping out all over the place. A small price to pay for increased visual acuity. You know, when they are both pointed in the same direction. Like maybe if you look directly at the ground. That would work. You will be able to see that ground in amazing detail.
Thor: We will give you a hammer that will electrocute you on five minute intervals. Since we can’t prevent someone else from picking it up and wielding the power of Thor, we will fuse said hammer directly with your hand. Go smite villainy!
Iron Man: Remember that Leonardo DiCaprio move, The Man in the Iron Mask? Imagine that, except for your whole body. Once we weld you in, it is almost impossible to get you out. At least in one piece. Man, that movie was terrible.
Black Widow: We fit you with a specially designed cat suit with venomous black widow spiders stitched directly into the lining. But hey, free cat suit.
Wolverine: We will fuse knives directly into the bones of your hand. They aren’t retractable, so this is actually pretty similar to our Edward Scissorhands offering. “Will I also get Wolverine’s advanced healing factor since I’m going to have super sharp knives attached to my hands? Seems like I will need it.”
That is adorable.
Spider-Man: We will dunk you in a box full of radioactive spiders and see what happens. There is a possibility you might get super powers, or, you know, more likely radiation sickness. As an added bonus, we will kill your favorite uncle.
Please make your selection so we can schedule your appointment and move this process along. <COMPANY> Avengers Arrange Yourselves in Close Physical Proximity! (We don’t want to get sued.)