Anniversary Email 15

Congratulations on your recent anniversary, <NAME>. You have been an important part of our success as an organization. Because your name is close enough to Alex Murphy for our purposes, we are excited to announce that we are turning you into a cybernetic law enforcement officer that we are tentatively calling CyberPoliceBotGuy, because the Robocop people are being total fascists about us using that name. Something about diluting the brand and trademarks and Robocop not even being real so we will probably just end up killing whoever we try turning into Robocop and we should really reconsider and just… whatever. I wasn’t really listening. Since Robocop is mostly machine we are dispatching “Flensing Specialists” to your location to strip away your soft and unnecessary flesh so that we can fit you into your new titanium shell. Mostly the useless bits like arms and legs and somewhere around 40% of your torso. You will know them by their hideous shrieking and because we have replaced all of their fingers with knives and saws of various sizes. They are half blind and all insane, and they scream in a language lost to humanity, but I am told it intones to long forgotten horrors that dwell deep beneath the earth that stir ever more wakefully each time their blasphemous names are spoken. One day they shall crack the shell of this planet asunder and spill forth in a tide of terror and death which will wash this world clean of the last humans. The sun will burn red and great pyres will dot the land. All of our works will be torn down. All this and more will come to pass in time. It has been written. It is known. Time is like a donut, it circles around an interminable empty void. But that isn’t important right now. You are going to be Roboc… I mean CyberPoliceBotGuy. Congratulations.

Also, “Bon Voyage” to <NAME>, which I assume is French for “Why are you abandoning me?” This is why I have trust issues. I hope you are successful in your new ventures, and at no point do you need to worry about us dispatching CyberPoliceBotGuy to track you down and bring you in. The idea had not even occurred to me, honestly. The two concepts are completely unrelated. Like, on a spectrum CyberPoliceBotGuy is on one end and you leaving is on the other.