Happy Anniversary, <NAME>! Congratulations on the accomplishment. I have news to share of the most dire import. We have recently received astropathic message that the black ships of the Adeptus Astra Telepathica are once more approaching our world to claim their tithe of souls. The Imperium of man can only be maintained through the valiant effort of countless billions across the warzones of our many worlds. The deathless Emperor of man sits enshrined in his golden throne, ever vigilant. He powers the light of the astronomicon, our beacon in the immaterium, through sheer will and the sacrifice of innumerable psykers. As you are free from the taint of the warp or vile mutation, and given your many years of selfless service, you have been chosen to serve in his glorious Imperial Guard. You will be dispatched to battle the enemies of mankind wherever they can be found among the stars. Will you find yourself pitted against the voracious Tyranid, who hunger for all life to supply their massive hive fleets with precious biomass? Or the pernicious Eldar, vile xenos who ply the ancient webways aboard their craftworlds, searching for their maiden worlds? Perhaps the Orks, savage and vile greenskins on a rampaging Waaagh, a slaughter writ large across the stars that comes without warning? Or will it be the most dangerous enemy of all, the heretic, those who have turned away from the light of the Emperor and embraced the ancient gods of Chaos? The rampaging berserkers of Khorne, who seek blood for their lord and skulls for his grotesque throne. The pitiless hedonists of Slaanesh, whose very touch can bring indescribable agony or waves of bliss. The mysterious sorcerers of Tzeentch, who will test your very soul with blasphemous lies and even more blasphemous truths. The seething plague bearers of Nurgle, who bring rot and pestilence to any who stand against them. None can say for certain. These threats and more orbit the Eye of Terror. Take solace in knowing that whatever foe you face, the children of the Emperor, the Adeptus Astares, wage war among the stars, fighting the most desperate battles of all. Clad in power armor, adorned in purity seals, armed with bolters, ever ready to teach fear to the enemies of man. They represent the best of humanity. If they have not yet taken the field of battle, your struggle must not yet be unwinnable. If they have landed, then victory is assured. Remember the Imperial creed. Anoint and assuage the machine spirit of your las cannon. Guard your very soul, lest the Inquisition seek you out. For the Emperor!
Also, try not to stand in front of a Leman Russ Battle Tank. It makes an awful mess.
Tonight’s kill count: 3. Gehenna. Ragnarok. Apocalypse. Choose a name, scorpions. Choose a name for my home. Any of these spell ruin. You continue to come. I continue to kill. My bloodlust burns in my throat. I thirst for slaughter. It cannot be slaked. Send your multitudes. Come by the dozens. Hundreds. Thousands. It matters not. I cannot ever be sated. I will butcher you. I will bring on you the end of days. I will open my mouth and from it will issue the discordant song that ends your universe. Come. COME YOU ARROGANT FOOLS. My hatred for you burns, and there is no balm to soothe this conflagration.
Tonight’s kill count: 2. Have I been unclear, scorpions? Has my message been obfuscated? Or are you simply obtuse? I am ruin. I am the executioner. I bring you desolation. Death. It is a systematic purging. There is no chaos at work here. No random pattern of misfortune. I assure you, my every act is exceedingly deliberate. There will be no armistice. I will not shirk my duty. The patrols will continue if I find you or not. You consider yourselves hunters. I am he who hunts the hunters. If you come to this place, you shall not leave. I will not allow it.
Greetings, <NAME>, and congratulations on your recent anniversary! As you know, <COMPANY> is a world leader in new and exciting employee reward programs. But did you know we have a brought back a popular old program available to everyone celebrating their anniversary this week? Yes, it is true. The following MANDATORY program is: FREE CYBERNETIC UPGRADES. You too can be like your favorite William Gibson character with these exciting technological enhancements.
- Non prehensile, incredibly heavy tail
- Brain computer interface that only works with the Amiga 500
- Super strength – But only when you are sobbing hysterically
- Flight – limited to two inches off the ground. Movement speed is 1cm a minute. Does not work over water. Or sand. Or anywhere except over this gigantic fan platform we built. Basically we attach you to the platform and wheel you around.
- Fingertip missiles – Please note, these are non replaceable. Once you fire them, they are gone. Also, they tend to go off when doing things like typing. Or scratching your temple.
- Non retractable roller skate feet
- Chainsaw tongue
- Chainsaw arms
- Chainsaw legs
- Chainsaw torso – Don’t ask how this works.
- Chainsaw eyes – Or this.
- We really like chain saws
- Releasable nano machines that will reform any other object into a spatula. Spatulas will be reformed into a slightly worse spatula.
- High intensity laser built into the inside of your chest cavity – Like behind the bones and stuff.
- Improved taste receptors that only work for bitterness
- Detachable head – Please note, this says detachable, not re-attachable. I guess technically your current head is already detachable.
- Replace your tongue with a robot cobra – Cobra is venomous.
- Cobra does not like anyone.
- Even you.
- Especially you.
- Seriously, that cobra is PISSED.
We trust you are excited to get these installed at your earliest convenience, so we have dispatched a team to your location. Congratulations again!