For too long, we have allowed the forces of rot and corruption germinate within the confines of our very fortress. Indeed, within the very heart of the structure designed to hold these forces at bay, a foul contagion grows.
Even now it strains the walls of it’s confine, threatening to spill forth and engulf us in a fetid plague. The time has come for action. I shall marshal my forces and attempt a purge of these putrescent fiends this coming Wednesday evening at 6PM. I shall armor myself in righteousness and arm myself with virtue. I shall give no quarter to my foes. All shall be destroyed in the purify flame of my zeal. Should you wish to spare any of your belongings a trip to a cold, unforgiving grave, I would suggest you spirit them away prior to the execution of my plans. The streets shall run green with mold and spoiled food stuffs. Should I fail in my efforts, should these diabolical former edibles overcome my senses and deliver me unto the Elysian Fields, I ask only that you tell my beloved of my fate, and deliver unto her my seal as a reminder that I fell in performance of my duty. I can only hope it will provide her some comfort. Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!
Carrion crows gather, heralds of the coming conflagration and dire portents of the waiting carnage. Their sheer numbers blot the sun and cast a long shadow o’er the land. I once again send word of the imminent purge. The glorious cleansing will fall tonight at 6PM.
Remove any belongings you want saved from the pyre with swiftness, lest calamity befall them. Of those that remain, none will be spared, no brethren saved. Many Ziplock containers will die, but we stand firm in our resolve. We shall fight them on the shelves. We shall fight them in the lunch meat drawer. We shall fight them in the vegetable crisper, and we shall not rest until the last of them has been driven into the refuse bin. We shall scourge them mightily and salt their fields so their wickedness might never take root again. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.