Anniversary Email 3

Congratulations to you, <employee names>! You have accomplished many great things in your time here and have the respect and admiration of your peers! In recognition of your accomplishment, you have been selected to participate in <company names>’s Mandatory Genetic Manipulation Happy Fun Time Program (<CN>MGMHFTP)! Think how much more productive you will be with a prehensile tail or gills or some kind of snout. We can cross you with a spider, and while you won’t gain the proportionate strength or even retain a vaguely human appearance like Peter Parker, think how much more productive you will be with a cluster of eyes and excess limbs jutting oddly from your torso at obscene angles. Why, the possibilities are endless! The only limit is your imagination… and the ability of our Genetic Fungineers to keep your helix from tearing itself asunder and turning you into some chthonic horror out of the realm of nightmares that stalks the darkened passageways of Facility X, ever hungry for the flesh of the living. I can still hear the screams and that horrible, wet scraping sound the creature made as it stalked us through the corridors…

So enjoy! You have earned it!

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