Gentlemen,
Congratulations on your recent anniversaries! Here at <company>, we strive to make sure our employees are recognized in unique and interesting ways. In exchange for your years of noble service, please select three of the following mandatory body upgrades to make you an even more valuable employee:
Glass jaw
Nuclear Arms – Not like missiles or anything, we just make your arms radioactive
Replace your pancreas with a live badger
Replace your pancreas with TWO live badgers
Sledgehammer hands
Gills – Note, these are in place of, not in addition to, your lungs
Ridiculously brittle cyanide capsule teeth
Gummy spine
A gland that will make your face smell like a rich, beefy stew (not to be combined with the badger modifications)
Poison Blood (please note that at this time we are unable to make you immune to the poison.)
Landmine feet
While I can’t promise any of these non-elective operations will be performed by certified surgeons, I can assure you that our personnel have passed the finest training available in North Korea. We look forward to collecting your feedback on these new and innovative employee rewards. It is forward thinking like this that keeps <company> on the cutting edge. In the most literal sense possible. What I mean to say is you are going to get cut during this process. Like… a lot.